As Thanksgiving nears it's inevitable for us to miss Chloe even more than usual. Traveling home to NC without her is so strange. I'm still not use to driving the car without hearing her babbling in the backseat. When that feeling of emptiness sets in I begin to think of all of the beautiful memories we have of Chloe. I know just how lucky we were to have such a special, loving, and perfect (in my eyes) little girl. Sometimes I still can't believe that God chose to give us such a beautiful child. It's been hard for me at times to understand why God chose to heal Chloe in Heaven rather than here on Earth. One day before she passed away I was crying and praying, asking God to heal Chloe and to please let us have more time with her. I heard the voice of the Lord say, "It will hurt more later". I didn't fully understand that until recently. One day a few weeks ago I was having a hard day and I sat down to read my Bible and pray. I asked God to please give me peace over why he took Chloe from us. I asked him to show me some scripture that would help me to understand. He led me straight to Isaiah 57, which I don't remember ever reading or hearing before. Here's what it says...
Isaiah 57: 1 The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
2 Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.
It all made more sense after I read that. You see God had been preparing me for Chloe since I was pregnant with her. When I was pregnant with her is when I first began hearing the voice that I believe is the Holy Spirit. It first occurred one day when I was talking to one of my friends that was pregnant at the same time I was. She was talking about how she was afraid her baby would have Down Syndrome because she had an aunt that had DS. I heard the voice say to me, "It's your baby not hers". Well needless to say it shook me pretty hard. Chloe had already tested negative for DS with the AFP testing. After she was born they told us she might have DS. I knew she did because I had already been told. She was in the P.I.C.U. for ten days after she was born and I was so scared she would die and never get to go home. I remember thinking to myself, "Is she going to die?" I heard the voice say again, "No, not yet".
The two things I feared the most for Chloe from the time she was born was leukemia and someone hurting her. Leukemia is more common in DS, but only 1% of the children are diagnosed with it. However, I feared those two things to my core. By saying I feared someone would hurt her I mean a pervert. We all see how many sick people there are when we turn on the news. Chloe was so loving and trusting of everyone! She did not know a stranger!
Then one day while Chloe was playing with her toys and I heard the voice say, "She's too good for this place". I feared what that might indicate. About a week later I looked at her while she was sleeping and I had a vision of her and she was dead. It was very disturbing and I honestly started to think I was going crazy! Then a couple of weeks later I looked at her again and saw her dead, but it was a peaceful image in my mind. However, it was still disturbing! So I had a physical and had my blood and thyroid function checked. Everything was fine. On the way out of the doctor's office I heard the voice say, "It's the baby's blood not yours". I immediately made an appointment and had her checked out. Sure enough she was anemic. It was checked again a month later and her platelets were low. I knew she had Leukemia.
So we were admitted to the hospital and the bone marrow results confirmed it. The next day she started chemo. That night I held her and cried and prayed. I heard the voice say, "Expect a miracle". It kept saying it over and over. I expected a healing miracle, but it didn't happen that way. Well, she is healed, but in Heaven! I see miracles in every day now and I know what a miracle Chloe was! Well, I've always known what a miracle Chloe was! That's just one more reason I fought so hard to keep her here. She was like a little glimpse of Heaven here on earth. A little taste of the joy of the Lord. She was my sweet earth angel.
The next time I heard the voice was when it said, "It will hurt more later". After I read Isaiah 57 it all made perfect sense to me. My intuition about Chloe was never wrong from the time I was pregnant with her. My fear of Leukemia came to pass so I can only believe that God took sweet Chloe home to protect her from the evil of this world and possibly my other fear for her life.
So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for many things. I am thankful that the Lord speaks to me and guides me through this difficult life. I am thankful for Isaiah 57 and the peace that God has given me through that scripture. I'm most thankful that we have the promise of Heaven through Christ! If I didn't have the promise that I will have eternity to spend with my sweet baby I would not make it through this! I am thankful that we had Chloe for two years and for all of the MANY blessings she brought into our lives! I'm thankful for the wonderful husband that God has blessed me with and the deep intimacy we have formed through having and losing Chloe. I'm thankful that I no longer fear death and each day is easier because I know this life is only temporary. Any suffering that we may endure is only for a short time compared to our eternity in Heaven. I am more aware that this world is not my true home and trivial things don't matter anymore. It's amazing what you can learn from a 2 year old! We've grown in ways that would not have been possible if Chloe had been healed on this earth. For the growth I am thankful. I'm thankful for all of the precious memories we have of Chloe and the sweet dreams I have of her some nights. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful people that have prayed for us and continue to do so. Your prayers have carried us though this and given us strength. I'm thankful for Chloe's Miracle Foundation, Inc. and all of our generous donors. I could go on and on so I am thankful that I have more to be thankful for than not!
I hope all of you have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving!
Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and support! We love you all!
Kristy & Rick
